(THEY LAUGH)
When April's soft showers have cracked the March drought.
when the warm west wind has breathed his sweet breeze through tender buds...
Hold up there!
..that's when people get the itch to go on pilgrimages.
We've got to get to Canterbury. see? Get blessed at the shrine of St Thomas.
That's the excuse. anyway.
Listen all. ladies and gents. Let me remind you what we all agreed on last night.
This is Harry Bailey. the innkeeper. Not the type to hide his light.
To speed the journey. each of you will tell two stories on the way to Canterbury
and another two on the way back.
Whoever tells the best - I'll be judge - wins a slap-up supper back here.
His inn. We pay.
(DISCORDANT NOTE)
- Sir... - Do you mind?
Now. who'll kick us off with a story?
Er... Now. what about...?
- Oh. my Lady Prioress. - Oui, monsieur?
I wouldn't want to cause you a moment's distress. Would you condescend to start?
Oh, c'est impossible.
She really only likes to speak French. you know. like they do in Stratford.
So much more refined. And her table manners...
Bless your kecks and balls. have I got a pertect story! Bloody funny!
- Look out - (FARTS LOUDLY)
What can I say? If any of you are too delicate... This is what people are like.
Right. John Priest. tell us something to make us smile.
Too right. It's a sin not to keep a smile on your face.
Must be hard when you're the only man in a priory full of nuns.
Imagine this poor widow. She leads a simple life.
Doesn't own much. Can't hardly pay rent.
Three cows, three sows, two daughters and a sheep called Moll.
Baa-aa!
But at least she were never took sick with overeating.
And she had this one cock called Chanticleer.
He were top o' heap when it come to crowing.
He were better than abbey clock.
He could measure equinoctial ascent, on the nose, 15 degrees per hour.
(CROWING)
This aristocrat amongst cocks was sultan of seven hens, a harem of amorous sisters.
But the brightest of the throat feathers belonged to Mam'selle Pertelote.
She were polite, she were discreet and she were downright gracious.
(WIDOW SHOOS. HENS CLUCk)
Since the day she was seven nights old,
Pertelote had Chanticleer's heart safely slammed in her lock-box.
(SNORING)
(DISTURBED CLUCKING)
What's wrong now? I never thought!
Mam'selle. don't take on so. I was dreaming.
There was this beast in our yard.
like some hound-dog with blood on his mind.
Mine!
He was sort of yellowy-reddy-yellow.
but with black tail. black ears. short snout and coal-glowing eyes!
How can you even suggest you're scared of something?
Dreams are nothing but nonsense. It's overeating.
- It's vapours from the gut. - (BELCHES)
Just listen to what Dionysius Cato has to say on the subject.
"Attach no import to dreams."
Too much red in you - dreams of arrows. flames. biting beasts.
Too much black - bears. bulls. demons.
But I won't dwell on this. What you need is a laxative.
Two days of worms will stop this nonsense.
Cato. Yes. he commands a certain respect.
but many greater authorities posit quite a contrary stance.
Daniel - did he think dreams were illusions? Joseph? Pharaoh? His butler?
Andromache? Croesus? St Kenelm? Scipio Africanus?
Suffice to say. this dream of mine spells adversity.
No laxatives. All I need is your soft feathers nustling beside me.
The perch is too narrow for anything else.
Oh!
There's corn in the yard!
He were a lion, a royal prince striding his hall.
But worldy joys...
they're soonest gone.
Did I scare you? Silly. silly me.
I only came - truly. truly - to hear you sing.
Oh.
Just like your father.
He graced my house and I'd be honoured to show you the same.
I never heard a singer like your father.
- Oh. - It was from the heart.
His eyes squeezed tight. his neck stretched thin.
Come. sir. I'm sure you're a chip off the same block.
(CHUCKLES)
Just for me?
(SINGS)
- (CLUCKING) - Help! Help! The fox!
It were worse than when the Greeks sacked Troy.
Why, oh why did he ever come down from that perch?
Why did his wife dismiss his dreams?
(STRANGLED VOICE) Sir. forgive me. but if I were you. as God's my witness.
I'd shout out. "Black plague on you all!
"I'm at the woods. Tonight this cock'll be au vin."
Damn good ide...
- Now. inasmuch as I... - Don't! We've both been cretins.
(CROWD BABBLES)
"Attach no importance to dreams"?
Dionysius Cato? Laxatives?
There's something to learn in everything. You just have to know what.
Women's advice! Didn't it start all our trouble?
This is the cock's opinion. you understand. not me. Me. I love women.
Ha! I bet you're some cock stallion yourself. eh?
You and your seven hens back at the cloister.
Drink?
If I was Pope. I'd let all you shave-heads marry.
This one's the Miller.
He breaks doors with his head. creams off the best of the corn and tells jokes.
You know the sort of joke.
Ooh!
I've been married for 58 days now.
Make me a free man. you wouldn't slip my head back in that noose.
- A wise man makes a virtue of necessity. - Don't marry and you won't get deceived.
Are we going to spend all day sermonising?
He's a merchant.
If he's not complaining about Dutch pirates. it's his latest killing at the exchange.
- You'd never guess he's near bankruptcy. - Who'll tell us another tale?
- It's seven and we're only at Greenwich. - And you know the lowlife you get there.
- Shut it. Oi. Listen up. - Hold on. Robin. Hold on.
Listen up. everyone!
(MUMBLING) I'm drunk.
Every one take a straw. Shortest tells the next tale.
I don't think I can remember a decent story.
That man. what's he called?
I read all his books. He already tell every story. Chaucer.
- He leave no stories for us to tell. - He's got no sense of rhythm.
Sir knight?
Lord... Draw if you will.
Oh. Well...
In God's name. I'll make a virtue. that's what I say.
A knight. A man of chivalry and truth and honour.
He besieged Alexandria. recaptured Algeciras.
No Christian man has done as much.
Ahem! Some men die in bed.
some deep at sea. some on the battlegrounds.
But there's nothing to be done. We all go.
The gods are cruel and what's man to them?
Anything more than a sheep cowering in the fold.
King of the Gods is Jupiter, the prime cause and mover of all above.
There's Venus, Goddess of Love.
Mars, the God of War.
But Saturn, he's the grandfather of them all.
Theseus, Lord of Athens, had ridden against Thebes
Arcite, protected by Mars, and Palamon, protected and loved by Venus.
Now to be perpetual prisoners in Athens. No ransom acceptable.
It's some trick of Saturn's.
It's an evil conjunction of planets.
But in this wretched world, we're duty bound to dig out a bit of happiness,
and one merry May morning...
(HUMMING)
Emily, younger sister of the queen.
- Oh! - Cousin. what's wrong?
Is she woman or goddess?
If I don't win her favour. I am dead.
Is this a joke? I loved her first. You're bound as a knight to help me.
(ARCITE) I love her as a woman. You said. "Is she human or divine?"
Anyway. love is the supreme law. It's each man for himself.
Until, one day, petitioned by a Theban comrade, Theseus released Arcite.
On this condition - if he was ever spotted in Athens, death.
He was free, but denied the one thing he wanted - the sight of Emily.
Sleep, meat, wine - he couldn't face any of it.
His old chums wouldn't have known him.
In fact, he was so different, he realised he could safely return to Athens.
He landed himself a job as Emily's page. Worked there for years.
Palamon spent six years in utter torment.
In the seventh, he escaped...and ran.
Hid in a grove all day. Come night, away to Thebes.
But destiny is powerful.
# ..And greenery
# Come welcome fair... #
Die! Or admit you do not love Emily.
If you weren't sick with love. I'd...
I shall return here tomorrow with armour. Slay me and you shall have her.
Who are you that dare to fight here? Who?
Palamon. sir. Your prisoner...who loves Emily.
- Arcite. sir. banished from this land. - Who also loves Emily.
You shall both pay the penalty in full.
Have mercy. Lord. for all women's sake.
There's no fool like...a fool in love.
But Emily can't marry both of you even if you fought forever.
This is my judgement.
Each of you shall go now and a year to the day return with 100 knights.
The winner shall have Emily. I might build the arena right here.
(EMILY) Hm!
The morning before the tournament, Palamon made his devotions to Venus.
If you will it. I shall have my love tomorrow.
If not. then I pray you.
have Arcite's spear pierce my heart.
- Which. blessed lady? Which? - (RUMBLING)
His prayer had been accepted, even if the sign implied a spot of delay.
In the pure water of Diana's temple,
Emily ritually disrobed and...
Perhaps I shouldn't go into details right now...
but it'd be fun, eh?
Purest goddess. you know I wish only to remain virgin all my life.
Make peace between the knights.
(DIANA) You shall be wedded to one of those who has endured so much for you.
Great Mars. give me victory tomorrow.
Mine will be the blood. yours the glory.
(MARS) Victory will be yours.
You can imagine the sort of strife that put up between Venus and Mars.
Nothing Jupiter could do, until Saturn...
Grandchildren!
My planet's force is greater than any man knows.
Mine is the drowning in the limpid sea.
Mine the tightening in the throat.
Mine the... Hm.
So no more!
Palamon shall have his lady.
Mars shall assist his knight.
The tournament ceases when either knight is taken to the stakes or felled.
Arcite or Palamon.
(FANFARE)
I am shamed. in front of you all.
Oh. you'll soon have your way.
(CHEERING)
(THUNDERBOLT)
Doctors? Ha! Say goodnight.
Take the man straight to the graveyard.
One moment with his love...
..the next cold...alone in his grave.
Remember Palamon. He is a gentle man.
(THESEUS) In youth or age. king or squire. a man dies.
So why the heaviness if good Arcite has departed the foul prison of this life?
We should rejoice. Thank Jupiter for his grace.
And of two sorrows. we must make one happiness.
(kNIGHT) Palamon lived out his life in wealth and health. tenderly loved by Emily.
All that for a woman. eh?
If you want to know the truth about women. we suffer from a somewhat quaint delusion.
This one lives near Bath. She's...
If there's something we can't easily get our hands on. we'll cry about it.
Press something on us. we'll run a mile.
She's a little deaf. Her husband laid her out cold...once.
Her late husband.
Five husbands.
Not to mention other friends when younger. My lips are sealed.
That was our last-ever set-to.
From then on. I was the best wife from Denmark to India and back.
When it comes to the dance of love. she knows all the smart moves.
She told us all of them.
And I was faithful.
(LAUGHTER)
Madam. what a delightful...expostulation.
But surely only a preamble. I trust?
Impressive. isn't he? A friar. dedicated to poverty. begging.
He's even been known to stump up a girl's dowry out of his own pocket
so she can get married nice and quick.
The Church has got all the serious studs. Us laymen are just tiddlers.
That's why wives light churchmen's candles.
What's all this? "What a 'lightful preambulation"?
If you don't like it. boil your bum!
He hauls people off to court - a summoner by rank.
- What's a fly got in common with a friar? - I don't know. What's a...?
They've both got their snouts in your lunch.
I'll tell a story about summoners. then we'll see who...
If nobody minds!
- Sir Friar? - We'd be honoured.
- Thank you. - (BELCH)
In the days of king Arthur. there were spirits everywhere you looked.
Nowadays. with all the friars around. they're all gone.
Anyway. at king Arthur's court.
there was a strong, lusty knight bachelor
and one day he was riding down by the river,
He was all alone, and he saw this virgin lass.
Of course, there was an absolute outcry.
Arthur gave him over to Guinevere.
She should choose whether to save his blood or spill it.
I'll spare you if you can tell us this!
What do women most...desire?
- (LAUGHTER) - Come. knight. speak up.
An answer to that will keep your neckbone safe from this hard iron axe.
(GROANS) I don't know.
I suppose if you can't tell us now. we'll let you have 12 months and a day.
Go!
He went to every door and every town where he could hope to unearth the answer,
but everyone had a different idea.
- Tell me. what does a woman most desire? - Her place in society.
- My good man. what do women most desire? - Money.
Fancy clothes!
A right good seeing-to!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
The day had come that he must turn homeward.
His spirit was broken,
his hopes bitter ashes.
His route took him through a forest and there he saw four and twenty dancing ladies.
Maybe they'll have the answer. Maybe.
(GASPS)
No way through here. sir. Tell us what you're looking for.
Mother. what do women most desire? If you can tell me. I'd make it worth your while.
Give me your oath you'll do the very next thing I ask of you.
and before sunset you'll have your answer.
- My oath. You have it. Anything. - Your life is safe. Listen...
- (BUzz OF CONVERSATION) - Silence! Well?
My Lady Queen...
Apparently. women desire sovereignty over husband and lover.
They desire the upper hand at all times.
Now do with me as you will!
Not one of them - not wife, nor virgin, nor widow - could argue with that.
He had his life.
Sovereign Lady Queen. I gave him that answer.
In return. he swore he'd do the first thing I asked. Take me as your wife.
Take all my worldly goods. if you must. but let my body alone!
- I want to be your wife and your love. - (LAUGHTER)
My love?! My damnation!
Sovereign. should someone of my rank be brought so low?
He had no choice but to marry her, to take the old woman into his bed.
As for all the rejoicing and the arrangements for the wedding feast...
..there wasn't any.
No joy, no feast.
He became her husband in a private ceremony
and spent the day hidden like an owl.
Darling husband. are all Arthur's knights so hard to please?
- I saved your life. What have I done wrong? - (HE GROANS)
- Tell me. I'll change. - Change?!
Wondertul! Change! You're so hideous. so old and so common.
I could change all that if you behaved more courteously...
- Are you surprised at me? - All your talk of nobility.
Arrogance! The man who attempts the noblest deeds. he's the noblest man.
- You'll always be old. always ugly. - Then you need never fear a rival.
You have a choice. Plain and old. but your faithful. obedient wife.
Or young and beautiful and danger whenever friends visit our house.
Whatever you prefer.
(HOWLS) I put myself in your hands.
Whatever you want. my wife. pleases me.
Do I have the upper hand. then?
Do I make all the choices. all decisions?
- That is best. - kiss me.
No more arguments. I will be beautiful and true.
Look at me.
(SOFT VOICE) kiss me.
(LAUGHTER TURNS INTO A CACKLE)
(WIFE OF BATH) May Christ send us all husbands as meek and young and hard...
..and the grace to break them.
If she says so. and a swift exit for those who won't be broken.
I'd give a barrel of ale to have my wife hear that story.
Talk about upper hand.
If someone doesn't tip his hat to her in church. she pushes me out. screeching.
"Avenge me. you coward! No. give me the knife. You cook lunch."
Someone wake him up.
It's the Cook. He knows his pale ale. his pastry and his poultry.
but you should taste his blancmange.
(GROANS AND BELCHES)
Are you drunk or were you working hard on a tart last night?
I feel heavy.
keep it shut or the Devil will jam his hoof in there.
Try jamming this in yours!
Oh!
That's what I call plastered!
- (LAUGHTER) - Wait for me.
We're almost at Duck-Up-Duck-Down. Who'll tell the next story?
I'm just getting meself ready.
(RETCHING)
It's a bit slippy. but I'm getting back on me horse in a minute.
Hang on! Wait for me. man! I'll be with youse right in a second.
(GROANING)
Hey. mate...
Ah. shut it.